


The Inner Spirit

by NimueOfTheNorth



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: AU, Episode Tag: s06e12 Corazón, Friends to Lovers (if you squint), Gen, Mention of canon bullying, Pre-Slash, Shifters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-04-05 18:06:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19045639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NimueOfTheNorth/pseuds/NimueOfTheNorth
Summary: Aaron worries about Spencer's headaches when coincidence opens up a whole new possible explanation for them. Dealing with that might also bring them closer together.





	The Inner Spirit

**Author's Note:**

> #1: A huge thank you to SpencnerTibbsLuvr for the beautiful cover art and dividers she made me. You really captured the spirit of this, hun.
> 
> #2: I'm using a few scenes and lines from Corazon but adapting them to fit my worldbuilding and story. 
> 
> #3: The Spirit Shifters in this story are an amalgamation of various elements. Beyond the general concept of shifters, there are similarities to the daemons from His Dark Materials, inspiration from certain fanfiction interpretations of the animagus transformation from Harry Potter, and the Spirit Guides from the Sentinel/Guide-verse gave me the name and maybe more. But while I gathered all these elements from elsewhere, the combination is, to the best of my knowledge, my own.

 

Aaron was worrying about Reid.

That wasn’t anything unusual in and of itself, it had become a state of being ever since the younger man had joined the BAU. Aaron didn’t even believe that he was the only one, though the nature of the worry various team members carried differed from one another.

He just hoped that the others never caught up to the nature of the feelings that had fueled his worries for the last few years or he'd be quite embarrassed. And Morgan would challenge him to a sparring match he'd feel for days, but that was beside the point. That hope hinged on his ability to ignore Dave's raised eyebrows and knowing half-smiles, and he had decades of training in that regard. His saving grace was that Dave would always talk to him first before he said anything where others could hear it, so he felt safe for the time being.

That left him worried for Reid. Lately even more so than normal.

Again, he didn’t think he was the only one on the team who had noticed Reid’s almost constant struggles with headaches and probably migraines over the last weeks. Reid was a master of concealment and deflection since his early childhood but he was now working with profilers and they lived in each others’ pockets more than was healthy at times.

He might still succeed in fooling Seaver and Garcia might not have caught on because she didn’t see Reid continuously enough even when they were at the office, but everybody else was just watching from afar, trying to respect Reid’s privacy.

So far, he hadn't let it interfere with his job performance, so Aaron had had neither reason nor cause to approach him about what was wrong with him. But that was only a matter of time, and he could only hope and pray that such a cause didn't come to them in a way they'd all deeply regret. Reid and chronic pain brought up all sorts of horrible memories and possibilities.

He'd have to set all that aside for now as they were heading out to a gruesome-looking case in Florida that promised the additional hurdle of a closed off and uncooperative community. But they'll get this UnSub as well, and then he might find out what was going on with Reid.

* * *

 

 

No matter how you felt about questions of religion and possession, cases involving either could turn a special kind of messy and creepy, and this one was no different. Watching Reid alone in interrogation with Julio Ruiz was not a comfortable position, but Aaron knew it was their best chance to get the cooperation they needed from the man, as unlikely as the rapport between the two fundamentally different men was. 

Aaron wasn't sure what he expected when Morgan walked into interrogation to confront Ruiz with examples of his misspent youth and how it parallelled the current murders. An episode of transpossession was definitely not it, and it proved a challenge to his self-discipline. Weirdly enough, his instincts were at odds about getting Reid out of that situation and feeling like whatever was going on, might be good for him. If Morgan hadn't already been in the room within arm's reach if things got out of hand, Aaron would have been in there in a heartbeat.

Reid seemed as close to normal as he’d seen him on this case when he left the room, rambling about the phenomenon and defiant in the face of Aaron’s attempt to shelter him. Asking Morgan if Reid was alright was an attempt to calm his own worries down. 

"Yeah, I think so, but something weird was definitely going on in there." That did not have the desired effect.

With Rossi, Prentiss and Seaver returning from the soup kitchen and reporting what they had found there and how the teenager assisting Ruiz earlier, Elian Morales, had fled, Aaron almost missed what was said between Ruiz and Reid.

“You have unhappy eggun in you, they are spoiling your head. Free them and cleanse yourself quickly,” Ruiz translated the saint’s words as Reid quoted them to him.

“What are eggun?” Reid wanted to know.

“They’re the true spirits our soul carries.”

For a moment, Aaron thought he knew what Ruiz was talking about, but it couldn’t be - Reid couldn’t be a shifter. Surely, Aaron would have learned this about him by now.

He didn’t have time to think the issue through as the new evidence and Ruiz’ reaction to them started to shift their focus from one possible UnSub to a new one and lab reports coming in alerted them to an escalating methodology. There was no time for personal matters.

At least Ruiz' attitude towards them was changing. It was probably the respect they were showing his religion that made him open up, either way, his insights into the ritual setup of the murders gave them new perspectives if mostly new questions. And he was right about being their best chance of finding Elian.

Ruiz’ parting words to Reid brought Aaron back to his thoughts from earlier

“Your head is spinning because it’s full of ghosts. You think you can do this work day in, day out, and you don’t carry it with you? Keep them all inside? It’s eating your soul.”

He wasn't sure who else besides Morgan heard them, but he hoped nobody did, or it would draw more attention Reid's way than the young man would like. The dismissive shake of his head upon Morgan's question made that more than clear. But the whole thing was curious. Had Ruiz really caught onto something about Reid, none of them knew?

But the case had to come first, and all the details that added up too well gave them a whole new angle and made them rush out to find Professor Walker who had only played at being helpful but whose misinformation was now making him their prime suspect.

* * *

 

 

Finding Reid’s vest abandoned in Ruiz’ bedroom made Aaron freeze on the inside and made him want to yell at Dave for his callous understatement of  _ ‘Well, this is not good’ _ . Where could Reid have gone? What detail had he found that his genius mind had latched onto that made him leave the house without telling anyone or being seen?

The derelict building from the framed newspaper article was their best guess and seemed to fit Walker’s MO.

When they stormed the room Walker had Reid, Ruiz and Morales in, Aaron wished the situation warranted another hug like after Reid had shot Hankle. Not that he wanted Reid to ever be in such a terrible situation again, he’d just like the physical reassurance that he was okay, maybe a little bit for Reid’s sake as well, but mostly for himself.

It was actually a wonder Reid’s penchant for ending up in horrible situations hadn’t given him more grey hairs yet. Maybe because he also had a knack for getting himself out of the mess when the team was just riding in for the rescue.

Now, if only he could believe Reid that the headache had only been play-pretend. If there wasn't so much pain still lingering in his eyes when he ducked out of the room, not even picking up his gun or phone. Then the worry in Aaron's heart might settle down for the time being.

* * *

 

 

Wrapping up the case had taken the rest of the night, and they all wanted to go home, so they boarded the jet in the early morning hours.

Aaron knew he needed to have a few choice words with Reid about his behaviour, but when the younger man curled up at the back of the plane and seemingly went straight to sleep, he couldn't bring himself to do it right then.

Everyone found a place to settle down and catch what rest they could during the flight, but Aaron preferred to deal with as much of the paperwork as he could straight away. He'd sleep when he made it home.

Dave slipped into the seat opposite from Aaron and pushed a cup of coffee his way.

“Thanks.”

“As you aren’t going to sleep anyway, might as well.” He took a sip of his own mug, that still had a teabag in it. “This thing with Reid needs to be addressed. We all wanted to respect his privacy but the stunt he pulled last night…”

“Yes, I know. I’ll handle it.”

“It’s not like you to put these things off.”

Aaron shrugged with one shoulder. “Look at him. All things considered, I’d be surprised if he’d gotten much sleep over the last days. If he’s getting some now, I’m not the kind of bastard to interrupt that.”

Dave hummed in agreement.

"But I'll talk to him and find out what's going on. If his ability to make sound decisions is compromised, I have to know, and we'll have to figure out how to deal with it. Including putting him on medical leave if necessary."

“If you think there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know.”

“Thanks, Dave.”

 

True to form, they barely managed the day off to recuperate.

Anderson texted him late in the evening that a case they had already been keeping an eye on had two new victims and the sheriff had officially invited the BAU to help find the UnSub. So Aaron texted everyone to pack for Minnesota weather and meet on the jet the next morning. The flight to Mendota Heights offered more than enough time to go over the files, and there was no reason for everyone to head into the office first.

Maybe he could even have an almost private word with Reid.

The case profiled relatively straight forward. They quickly agreed that they were looking for a man disappointed by the way his life was developing both professionally and privately. Envying other men their success, he was targeting them, either because he thought he could somehow claim it for himself, or to quiet what he considered taunting and pointing out his own insufficiencies and failures.

The first two victims had been men that portrayed to live the perfect life, the American dream, and their murders had spoken of a diffuse rage in the UnSub. On the third scene discovered last night, the man had been killed in much the same way with all the symbols of his status and success vandalised, but from what the crime scene investigation had revealed so far, the killer had been disturbed by the man’s visiting sister and had killed her as well, but much more efficiently. The care he’d taken with her body afterwards also showed clear signs of regret and helped to solidify his target and motive.

They would have to talk to the friends and families of the victims a lot to see if the same person matching the profile was lurking at the periphery of all their social circles, but just to get a head start, Morgan called Garcia so she could screen the social media of the inhabitants of the town for suspicious activities.

When everyone scattered to mentally prepare for the case ahead in their prefered ways, Aaron prepped to cups of coffee and followed Reid towards the back of the plane.

“I know that whatever is going on with you probably needs a longer and more private conversation than we can have here and now,” he opened without preamble.

“There’s nothing wrong with me, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He was busying himself with his paper copy of the case file as an excuse not to look Aaron in the eye.

"Reid, stop lying to me. You left your vest behind, followed a hunch without telling anybody where you were going, and walked straight into the hideout of an UnSub with two hostages. If I weren't assuming health issues affecting your behaviour I'd be firing you on the spot for endangering yourself and others like that." He kept his voice down but made the words harsher than he truly wanted to make sure he got through Reid's stubbornness.

Reid's eyes snapped up to his, and he swallowed heavily. "Hotch, I… I don't know what to say."

“I had hoped we’d reached a point where you trusted me enough to tell me the truth. Whatever that truth is.”

“It’s not that! Never that! You have to believe me; I wouldn’t go there again. And I do trust you. I just don’t really know…” Reid was wringing his hands on the tabletop, his eyes begging Aaron to believe him.

“I know you haven’t fallen back, because I trust you as well, and I can see the differences.” And that was the truth. If Aaron had thought for a moment that Reid had succumbed to Dilaudid again, he would have taken him out of the field at the least. “But something is wrong with you. We all noticed and are worried about you, but we were happy to wait you out until you messed up so spectacularly on a case. There was a lot of luck involved in that situation not ending in absolute disaster.”

"I know," Spencer answered so quietly, Aaron almost didn't hear him over the noise of the engines. "I can't even say what I was thinking at the time. I'm sorry."

"And that's the problem, Reid. You acting without thinking is never a good thing because your mind seems to continue working unattended just as well. And you end up putting yourself in danger."

Reid just nodded looking downtrodden. “What are you going to do?”

"Let's postpone a more in-depth chat about what's going on until after the case. Whatever it is, you deserve as much privacy on the matter as possible. On a professional level, I want you to promise me that there won't be any more stunts like what you pulled in Miami. I'd like to have you at the station as much as possible for this case, and you won't go anywhere alone. That's not so much about punishing or not trusting you as it is to keep you safe."

“Yeah, okay. That sounds like a good idea.”

"And if things get too much for any reason, be it lights, noise or you not being able to keep going because you lack sleep..." He gave Reid a pointed look telling him not to deny it. "I want you to tell either me or Dave and take care of yourself. I know and understand your wish not to appear weak in any way, but if it could endanger you or the case, you'll have to set your pride aside."

Reid swallowed heavily. “Yeah, I can do that. So… Rossi knows as well?”

“Everyone knows to some degree, Reid. But Rossi has so far been the only one who pushed me to address it with you. And nobody will argue with him if he sends you back to our hotel if need be.”

Reid nodded his acceptance and looked a little ashamed that it had come to this.

“And Spencer,” Aaron said before he stood up, the change in address getting him the attention he wanted. “I really hope to have a talk about what’s going on with you. Not as your boss but as your friend.”

“I think I’d like that.”

* * *

 

 

After landing and settling in at the sheriff’s office, nothing about the case made them question their profile, but nothing that came up in the interviews of family and friends of the victims brought up any new indicators as to who might be their UnSub, so they were stuck. Stuck was a terrible place to be, as it meant waiting for a new victim to show up even though nobody ever said so.

Aaron's last interview was with the best friend of the second victim, and the man was getting up to leave, not having been able to offer anything new, no matter the questions Aaron asked. 

The man snorted without humour. “I wish I would have been wrong about his spirit form not being that useful when it counted.”

“What do you mean? Was Michael a Spirit Shifter?”

"Yeah. His form was a small owl. He didn't make a great deal of it, but we grew up together, so you know how these things go; the teasing from our childhood never quite went away. He would boast how cool it was that he could fly and see in the dark and all that. And I would tell him that he was too tiny to do any real harm and spent too much time inside for flight to be relevant to any of his important life events. I've never wished so much I'd been wrong."

Back in the conference room they were using, Aaron put the obvious question out there.

“Were any of the other victims Spirit Shifters?”

“Nobody I talked to said anything,” Prentiss offered.

“Neither with us,” Rossi added. “But many people just treat it as something personal. There’s a reason that information isn’t part of public records.”

"I can tell you for sure with the first victim," the Sheriff offered from the open door. "Sorry to interrupt but your delivery arrived." He settled bags from the local diner on the table. "Wechsler was a Shifter, came from a long line of Spirit Shifters that has lived in this town pretty much since it was settled. The public running ground belongs to his great uncle now and was made publicly available in the late 1800s, one of the first of its kind in the country. Anyway, he was a wolfdog, liked to shift on Halloween and participate in the scary labyrinth one of the farmers sets up every year. He also played the Bad Wolf when the primary school put Little Red Riding Hood on the stage a few years ago. He didn't talk about it much, but he always was a good sport about it. Can't help you with the third victim, sorry."

“Thank you, Sheriff, two out of three already is more than a coincidence for a trait only 6-8% of any generation exhibit, so we’ll look into it more,” Aaron said as he accepted his sandwich and chips from Morgan with a nod.

As soon as the man had left them alone, Morgan had his phone out to call Garcia.

“Hey mama, you’re on speaker, sharing lunch with the whole team.”

“Awww, and nobody ordered me anything. What can I do for y’all?”

“Check if there’s anyone around here who seems overly interest in Spirit Shifters or expresses strong opinions about them, positive or negative, doesn’t matter.”

"Ask, and you shall receive, searches are running," she answered while they still heard the clicking of her keyboard in the background. "Anything else?"

“Yes,” Aaron joined in. “If you can find out whether or not Arterberry, the third victim, was a Shifter, that would be very helpful.”

"I'll dig into it posthaste. Talk to you soon."

Arterberry had only been living in the town for a little over six months and hadn't made any close acquaintances yet. His parents were deceased, and his fiancée was on a team-building retreat for her company, somewhere in the wilderness without her phone. They had already sent the local park rangers out looking for the group to bring her in as soon as possible, but until then, they were in a bit of an information vacuum on that victim.

“Why would the UnSub target Shifters particularly?” Seaver asked.

"There are still religious groups that consider the ability unnatural and ungodly," Reid reminded her. "But from what we have profiled so far I think it's more likely that it is another aspect of the victims' lives the UnSub is jealous of. We should definitely incorporate it into our victimology as it is an unlikely coincidence, however the UnSub found out. In a town of this size, there are statistically only 675 to 900 Spirit Shifters, 337 to 450 of which should be male and given the local demographics, roughly 78-105 fall in our established age group."

“So he targets men in their late twenties to early forties, professionally successful in their chosen career, apparently happy relationship and family life, well-liked and respected in the community, who also happen to be Spirit Shifters,” Prentiss summed up. “Is there a way to warn potential victims without tipping off the UnSub?”

“I don’t see one, not even word of mouth,” Aaron told her. “That he knew this detail about the victims when only one made it public makes it likely he has access to the community, such as it is. Many groups on social media are open to non-Shifters as well if they express genuine interest and don’t aggravate anyone. We can’t even rule out that he himself is a Shifter and has been shunned for it in the past and as a result envies the acceptance the victims have clearly found. Let’s wait what Garcia’s magic can turn up, present the profile to the department, and talk to some of the families again to see if taking that point into consideration brings up anyone acting suspiciously.”

They got the confirmation about the third victim also being a Spirit Shifter from Garcia as they just wrapped up lunch and proceeded from there without any immediate results. But no one had expected it to be that easy. It rarely was.

* * *

 

 

They were staying in a small inn with only four rooms available, which meant Prentiss and Seaver sharing, Rossi claiming a single room nobody argued with because the man snored, and Aaron sharing with Reid. Morgan had raised an eyebrow in question, but as Reid had just taken the second key from Aaron without argument, Derek had let it slide as well.

Aaron wished he didn't give Reid the impression of keeping an eye on him, but that was exactly what he was doing.

They were all comfortable with each other's routine, and Aaron and Reid quickly sorted themselves out for bed, with Reid taking his turn in the bathroom first. When Aaron was done with his turn, Reid had already curled up on his side with only his nightlight burning. He wished he could believe his agent was actually sleeping and not just pretending to in an effort to avoid him, but he knew better. Aaron was still happy to let Reid rest and not push any personal and stressful talk on him when both of them had the case on their minds.

The next morning, Spencer was barely awake when Aaron exited the bathroom, dressed for the day. He'd gone for a short run in the park one street over, and when he returned, the innkeeper had stopped him.

“Agent Hotchner, if you have a moment.”

"Of course, ma'am, what can I do for you?" Southern charm didn't look quite as good in sweaty running gear as it did in a suit, but it was still southern charm, and her smile said that it wasn't missing its mark.

"I'm afraid there might be a slight inconvenience. You see, I have the main dining room booked for a birthday brunch this morning and am setting up breakfast for all the other guests in the solarium. It can just about fit all of you, but with your team, it'll be a tight fit and would afford little to no privacy. I don't know how much your team discusses cases during meal times, but I'd rather not spook the other guests, especially as both are families with small kids." She looked contrite at the dilemma, but Aaron could only agree with her thought process.

"We do tend to discuss our work during meals, but none of us would want to do that around children or where the general public could easily overhear. We'll find another place for breakfast this morning, it's no trouble."

"Oh, I took the liberty of calling Chrissy's Diner already," the woman hurried to assure him. "It's along your way to the Sheriff's station and has some of the best coffee in town. She's happy to give your team her side room and a discount during your whole stay here. She's my cousin, so it's all just family helping each other out. We're all very grateful for your help, you know."

Aaron had thanked her and texted the others about the arrangement. It played out in their favour as they could discuss any new ideas freely and call Garcia to hear what her searches might have dug up overnight.

Spencer had been stabbing at his phone to shut off the alarm when Aaron entered their room and just given him an uncoordinated wave when he’d asked if he could shower first. Well, he was at least sitting upright now.

"Due to circumstances you don't care about this early, we're having breakfast at Chrissy's diner," Aaron couldn't help but tease and got a scrunched up nose for his troubles. The slight wince that spoke of yet another headache was less fun to see. "How about we leave you one of the SUVs and you meet us there? I saw the place last night, and I think it'll be easiest to park at the station and walk the short distance."

“Yeah, sounds good,” was Spencer’s answer behind a massive yawn.

They’d all learned over the years that Reid didn’t actually take long to get going in the morning, but having people waiting for him stressed him out. He could be astonishingly quick if left alone.

Aaron gathered his things and headed out, dropping the car keys he had on the small table by the door where Reid wouldn’t have to search for them, even if he wasn’t paying attention at the moment.

He didn't have to wait long in the lobby for the rest of the team to gather, and the trip to the diner via the Sheriff's station didn't take long at all. As they would wait for Reid anyway, Aaron chose to pop into the station for a moment, allowing them to drop off their things and ask if there had been any new developments in the last few hours, but nothing had come up. The stroll to the diner only took a few minutes but by the time they got there, Reid was passing them by in the third car, so they decided to wait for him and enjoy the early morning sun and fresh air for a moment longer.

Reid came their way at a fast clip but looked utterly distracted. If it were anybody else, Aaron would have said he wasn't quite awake yet and would have worried about him having driven there. But Spencer had the odd talent to decide to be awake when he needed to be. It would only last so long if he didn't get any sleep, but it worked wonders in the short term or in the mornings. So for him to look this lost in his head right after he parked the SUV meant he was either working out something case related that had occurred to him, or he had another headache. Maybe both.

Seeing as Reid only had the road to cross to reach them, Rossi pulled open the door to the diner and ushered the rest of the team inside.

“Hurry up, pretty boy, I’m starving!” Morgan called to Reid with a laugh as he turned and stepped up to the door.

Aaron was about to follow him when a few things registered at the edges of his vision. Reid had left the sidewalk and was passing between two parked cars. A car was coming down the road on Reid’s side, going maybe a little faster than the speed limit. And Reid wasn’t paying attention, wasn’t looking to his left, wasn’t stopping.

Things became a blur as fractions of seconds stretched and fused together.

"Stop! Reid!" Aaron started to yell, but it turned into a roar somewhere in the middle as he turned and shifted on instinct because all he wanted at that moment was speed, enough speed and power to get to Spencer in time. The world changed around him as his senses shifted, but his sole focus remained on Spencer as he pushed himself forward as fast as he could. About halfway across the road, with the heat from the engine of the approaching car almost at his flank, he jumped, propelling himself through the air and right at Spencer's centre of mass. He could feel the breath leaving Spencer's lungs in a rush upon impact. The two of them went down in a tangle of limbs on the ground between the parked cars and Aaron heard Spencer groan in protest of the hard landing over the screeching of tires coming to an abrupt stop behind him. 

Long fingers tightened in his fur where Spencer had tried to get a grip on something as they fell, but Aaron couldn't care less as he shifted back. He didn't smell any blood, but he desperately wanted to hear that Spencer was alright. Pushing his spirit form away with the adrenalin still running through his veins was more difficult than normal, but he needed his human form to ask questions, and if he stayed shifted, he'd probably do something less than helpful for the situation like growl at people to keep them at bay.

“Are you alright, Spencer?”

“Yeah. Ouch! My butt isn’t cushioned enough for this type of landing!”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. What happened? Why did you cat-tackle me to the ground?”

“Because you almost walked in front of a car.” Aaron pointed over his shoulder where he could hear the rest of the team hurrying towards them. Someone was trying to calm down a hysterical sounding woman, presumably the driver of the car.

“Oh,” was all Spencer had to say. He carefully shifted his position and winced. “Care to help me up?”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? Wouldn’t want to make it worse if you hurt yourself. I didn’t have time for a gentle landing.”

“No, I’m pretty sure I’m okay, just a bit bruised. But I could use a hand.”

"Okay." Aaron straightened up from where he had been kneeling and offered both his hands to Spencer, who pulled himself up with another wince but no major difficulty.

"Are you okay, Reid?" Prentiss asked at that moment as she appeared at Aaron's shoulder. "Should I call an ambulance or can we take you directly to the hospital?"

“I don’t need the hospital, I need coffee. And maybe some breakfast. I only took a bit of a tumble,  no big deal.”

“You had close to 400 lb impacting your torso and pulling you down,” Morgan commented. “That’s a little more than a tumble.”

“You make it sound like Hotch attacked me. Stop blowing things out of proportion, I’m fine.”

At this point, Rossi joined their little huddle with the driver, after having calmed her down somewhat. It looked like Seaver was making herself useful directing traffic around the stopped car.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't see you coming between the parked cars. Are you okay?" the driver asked Reid anxiously.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Nothing worse than I've gotten from my general clumsiness," Reid joked in an attempt to alleviate her worries. "And I wasn't paying as much attention as I should, so I'm just as guilty in this. Let's both thank Hotch for his exceptional reflexes and hero complex that saved both our days," he added with a wry grin.

“Yes, yes, absolutely. I was so startled by his sudden appearance, I just hit the breaks. I’m not even sure what I saw.”

"I apologise for startling you, ma'am," Aaron smoothed down some feathers. It was clear that Reid wanted as little fuss as possible over this whole ordeal, so that's what he would work towards. And the woman hadn't done anything wrong, not really. "My Shifter form is rather intimidating, so I try not to surprise people with it, but it was the only chance to get here in time."

“Oh, that’s perfectly fine,” the woman reassured, her attention distracted away from Spencer somewhat, just as Aaron wanted. “I’m glad, relieved even that you had that ability. I can’t imagine the nightmare of causing an accident like this.”

"Well, looks like everyone got away with a bit of a shock and no more than a few bruises," Rossi took over the reins. "Reid insists he isn't hurt and even if he were, that would be on Hotch. You, ma'am, executed a beautiful emergency break manoeuvre that kept your car on track and caused no collateral damage, my compliments on that. Seems like we can all just continue on with our day. Do you feel calm enough to drive yourself, or should I call someone for you?"

"Ehm, no, I think I'm okay to drive. It's only two streets over for me anyway, I'm sure I can manage," she said with a slight blush in response to Rossi's gentle flirting and let herself be escorted back to her car with a wave back at the rest of them. That was also the signal for the small crowd of passers-by that had gathered to move on with whatever they had been doing minutes before.

“Are you sure we shouldn’t take you to the hospital, Reid?” Aaron asked again once it was only team members in earshot.

"Yes. Just let me have my coffee and pancakes, Hotch, please. I can work from the station for the morning, and if the pain isn't significantly better by lunchtime, I'll go see a doctor. Okay?"

Morgan still looked sceptical, but Prentiss’s face said she was resigned to let Spencer have his way rather than fight the matter. Aaron leaned towards agreeing with her. This didn’t seem like the matter to push Reid even more and have him clam up on the conversation Aaron really needed and wanted to have with him.

“Okay. But if it’s getting worse and you try to hide it, I’ll drag you there by the scruff myself.”

That got snorts from most on the team, and they headed over to the diner,  _ carefully _ crossing the street, to find Reid’s beloved caffeine.

* * *

 

 

The morning was filled with more interviews as they talked to the friends and families of the victims again to see if the Shifter angle led to any hints they could follow up on. They also finally got the chance to talk to the fiancée of Clive Arterberry. She was understandably distraught, so Aaron and Prentiss took their time. Once they reached the point to ask about Arterberry's status as a Spirit Shifter and if there had been any unusual occurrences in relation to that or if he had mentioned anyone showing undue interest in it, they finally got something.

“Yes, he… he’s part of a facebook group for Shifters with reptile and amphibian forms. You know how rare those are and how some people feel about them, so they have a sort of self-help group going online.”

“What was Clive’s form if you don’t mind me asking,” Prentiss gently prodded her when she fell quiet.

"A boa constrictor. He was so hesitant to show me because he had girlfriends in the past break up with him over it. But I've always rather liked snakes myself. I even tried dating the brother of a classmate in high school because he had two, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever. My friend thought I was mental." She chuckled at the memory. "Clive has… had this really pretty yellow colouring."

“And was there someone in this group that gave Clive pause in any way?” Aaron asked to get her back on track.

"Yes. There was a new member for the last few months that Clive wasn't sure about. He couldn't put his finger on it, but he was convinced the man didn't really have the form he said he had if he was a Shifter at all."

“What form did he say he had?”

"An iguana. Clive said the things he shared sounded more like what a pet owner would know than a Shifter, which I can only take his word for. I have no frame of reference to make a distinction like that."

“I have a good idea what he meant. I’ve encountered that myself in the past,” Aaron told her.

“Oh, I see. Anyway, that guy seemed somehow focused on Clive, which was odd because there are a few iguana Shifters in the group, so he should have gravitated towards them. It was starting to freak Clive out, and he considered approaching the group moderators about it. He didn’t share any details with me, so I’m not sure if anything specific happened or if it was just the general feel of the guy. He always tried not to worry me unnecessarily,” she ended with a fond smile and fresh tears welling up in her eyes.

"Did he tell you the name of that person?" Prentiss asked, kindly. "Even if it was a fake one, it might help."

"No, I'm sorry. He always took the privacy of group members seriously even though they were scattered all over the world, and I'd have little chance of ever meeting them. Do you think this guy has anything to do with Clive's death?"

"It's an avenue we're looking into," Aaron explained. "All three primary targets of this UnSub were Spirit Shifters which is an unlikely coincidence, so it's one angle of our investigation, but we can't say how valid it will prove with any certainty right now. We'd appreciate if you didn't mention it, for now, to keep speculations down. Those can impact an investigation negatively."

“Yes, of course, I won’t say anything. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“If you would allow us access to Clive’s personal computer, our analyst could work her magic and see if anything comes up that way,” Prentiss offered and got eager nods in response.

Aaron let her and Seaver handle that, while he checked up with the others. He wanted to see how Spencer was doing as well as if there were any new leads on the case.

He found the blinds on one half of the conference room they were using drawn and Spencer in the shadows, moving in front of a large map with his geographical profile. It was a bit of a long shot in a case like this where the victims seemed to be chosen by such a specific criterium as being Spirit Shifters rather than any proximity to the UnSub, but one never knew what Reid would spot once he’d put everything on the map. The victims lived and worked in very different parts of the city, and so Spencer was moving back and forth with his markers and pins. His movements were still a little off but much less noticeably so than right after the incident, so Aaron felt less bad about not having taken him to see a doctor.

“Any new revelations?” He asked and wasn’t surprised when Spencer didn’t even seem to hear him.

"Not much. Wechsler's family said he felt watched at times but could never pinpoint who was responsible or whether he was imagining things," Rossi said instead. "It fits our profile but is too vague to hunt for possible crossovers. Not even Garcia can cast a net that efficient with so little to work from."

“Let’s hope that Arterberry’s laptop is giving her something more to act on. Prentiss and Seaver are accompanying his fiancée home to get that sorted. From what she told us, he might have met the UnSub in a group online.”

“That would be helpful. Reid is on his second map after the first one got drowned in markers with no result, so he wanted to try a different approach. I didn’t ask for details.” Rossi waved his hand at the man and map in question, as usual happy enough to trust Reid’s results once he had them but not interested in how he got them.

“Reid?” Spencer finished placing a set of dots on the map before he turned around to acknowledge Aaron.

"I'm not sure yet. I feel like there's something, but it's not an obvious pattern, so I'm playing around with the more obscure details of the victims' lives and movements. See if something comes up." Spencer was worrying the bridge of his nose and squinting his eyes at Aaron. "Do you know Arterberry's Spirit form yet? I'm considering the territorial behaviours of their species."

“A boa constrictor, so that’s not adding much potential for overlap. But as he has lived here so shortly, he’d be the least settled and tied to the area anyway.”

“True,” Spencer agreed and turned back to the map. “I’m feeling much better, by the way, so no need to fret.”

“Glad to hear it,” Aaron said and glared at Rossi for his indelicate snort.

* * *

 

 

Garcia made quick work of the laptop, and they all gathered to read the exchanges between their suspect and Arterberry. When they were through, there was little doubt left.

Morgan called Garcia.

“Hey, mama. Got anything from the group moderators?”

"Nada. They were shocked to hear of Arterberry's fate and are happy to help, but they had little interactions with the guy in question. They have nothing more than the sparse info he put onto his Facebook profile."

“And we can all assume that John Smith is an alias. Have a grip on his actual location?”

“I can only tell you that he seems to be in your general area just as he says in his profile. I need an official order to dig any deeper.”

“You have it, Garcia,” Aaron told her. “Anything you can find on his person and location and call us as soon as you’ve got something.”

“Will do!”

She hung up on them, and Aaron looked around. "Bell was a member of a few online groups and forums for Shifters but was not particularly active there, whereas Wechsler didn't have much of an online presence at all."

“Means that our UnSub is comfortable enough with technology to find and approach victims online when that avenue gives him an in, but it isn’t how he finds them in the first place,” Prentiss picked the thread up. “He’s clearly local and blends in enough to confirm a victim fits his needs without drawing attention.”

“Did the geographic profile turn up anything, Reid?”

“No, not really. All the victims lived and worked in affluent parts of town but as professional success is part of the victimology that is neither surprising nor telling us anything new. There are a few partial overlaps, like Arterberry and Bell sometimes stopping at the same gas station and Wechsler and Bell ordering from the same pizza place. The best I can offer are recommendations in which neighbourhoods increased patrols make the most sense.”

"Okay," Aaron nodded and waited a moment if anybody else had something more to add, but they hadn't. "Then I'll update the sheriff, you guys keep digging, and we hope that Garcia can soon give us a name."

* * *

 

 

The sheriff was happy to take the recommendations about patrols. It was obvious to Aaron that the man was frustrated about not being able to do anything more to protect the people in his town from the UnSub.

“I keep wondering if I missed something, some incident that was an indicator that this was brewing in the middle of our community. But I can’t think of anything. We’ve never had any actions taken against Shifters specifically for longer than I’ve been the sheriff or a deputy before that.”

“Don’t beat yourself up about it, it’s almost impossible to pick up on the early signs of a mental break like this without close contact and the necessary training,” Aaron reassured him.

“I know. But if I had heard any complaints about someone acting odd, even if it hadn’t been anything to act on at the time, I could offer you a suspect to look into now.”

“True, but if he blends in as well as we think, there simply weren’t any such complaints. I’m confident that our analyst will find the true identity of the man harassing Clive Arterberry online and then we’ll take it from there, see if he really is our UnSub.”

The sheriff looked slightly dubious but nodded. "Police work isn't quite that modern here. I feel like a relic."

"You fulfil a different role, one that requires a permanent personal presence and a feeling for your community. We still very much need cops who teach school children about traffic rules, write speeding tickets when they ignore them later, and who break up bar fights before they turn into family feuds. Our team couldn't do our jobs if local cops like you weren't doing theirs."

“I’m starting to see why local departments hesitate less to call in the BAU than other federal units,” the sheriff said with a wry smile. “Speaking of personal presence… Alyssa from the flower shop told me earlier that your genius almost had an accident this morning and that you saved him by shifting. I noticed Agent Reid is moving a little stiff. Is he okay?”

“Yeah, at least he insists he’s fine, and he looks a lot better already.”

"From what I heard, he almost walked out in front of a car. How didn't he notice? I thought they taught proper situational awareness at the academy."

“Being a genius comes with its own challenges. When Reid’s thoughts are running away with an idea, he can get lost in his head. That doesn’t usually happen out and about, but he hadn’t had any caffeine yet this morning, so that didn’t help.” Aaron wasn’t about to tell Sheriff Meyers about Reid’s headache, even though he suspected that had been the main reason for Reid’s lack of attention. He’ll just have to keep even more of an eye on Spencer.

“Well, good thing you were there to push him out of harm’s way. You must have acted superhuman fast. Nobody who witnessed the incident is even sure what your form is, it was over so quickly.”

“Is there a question in there?”

"Come on, Agent Hotchner, put a nosy old bastard out of his misery and tell me your form!"

Aaron chuckled. "My primary form is a lioness, and that's what I shifted into this morning."

“Wow. How many forms do you have? If you don’t mind me asking, that is.”

“I have yet to find a large cat I can’t shift into after I’ve encountered it,” Aaron offered and waited what else might follow. He got the feeling that Sheriff Meyers had more than general curiosity behind his questions.

“Did you get a lot of flak for having a female form?”

"My father wasn't particularly impressed when it became obvious what my primary form would be. I was lucky to have my maternal grandmother, who was a very wise woman. She told me that we were called Spirit Shifters because our forms represented something essential about our spirit, whether those characteristics were obvious or suppressed due to circumstances. In her eyes a lioness was a strong and proud animal, a competent hunter with the right balance of patience, planning, and quick action; they are loyal to their pride and fiercely protective of them. My grandmother taught me to value all of these characteristics, be proud of them, and embrace them. That the packaging was female was irrelevant."

"Hmmm, a wise woman, indeed. I never thought about it from that angle."

“Do you have a Shifter in your family?” Aaron hazarded a guess.

"My granddaughter, Sally, is the first in our family and we're all still finding our way. She's barely five, but she clearly favours birds, especially the colourful ones or the good singers. Which, of course, means a lot of male forms. My daughter is worried that it could be an indicator that Sally has issues with her sexual identity, but there don't seem to be any other indicators for that. I'm torn between wanting the best for my granddaughter and telling my daughter not to borrow trouble."

“Is Sally extroverted?”

"No, she's a quiet kid. She has a few friends, but she's the type to happily play in her room, draw pictures or do jigsaw puzzles. One can firmly watch as large groups turn from fun to exhausting the longer she's exposed to them. And she hates to be the centre of attention to the point that she asked my wife not to put candles on her birthday cake next month, so she won't have to blow them out with everybody watching. The only thing she's really outgoing about is dancing. She started going to classes when she was three, and at the recitals they do, she's like a different kid."

"That's probably what gets expressed in her Spirit form as well. It's easier for her to overcome her natural shyness when she shifts. It's good that she has found a way to do embrace that side of her personality in human form as well, but her Spirit form is just another outlet. I definitely wouldn't worry about it if she's a well-adjusted little girl otherwise. How she expresses her personality might change as she grows older, and her Spirit forms along with it. Or she could just stay in that balance she has found now. It's why shifting is so important to us, to let other aspects of our nature roam as well."

“Thanks, I’ll talk to my daughter about it, tell her what you just told me. I hope it’ll calm her down somewhat.”

"You have my card. You're welcome to call me if you have more questions in the future," Aaron offered and meant it. Adjusting to the first Shifter in a family was never easy, and he was happy that this little girl had people worried about her well-being. He'd gladly help them find their footing.

* * *

 

 

As so often, the Oracle Of All Knowledge came through for them.

"Looks like we found our guy, my delicious crime fighters," she greeted them an hour later. "John Smith's real name is Neil Martin Schumacher, 34, born and raised in Mendota Heights. Father was a carpenter and died in a work accident when Neil was eleven. Mother worked as a secretary to make ends meet. Neil tried his damnedest to get out of Mendota Heights, it seems. Applied to colleges all over the country but only made it as far as a community college in Saint Paul where he took classes towards a business degree. He lost his scholarship due to poor grades and absenteeism, so he returned home and worked odd jobs. Tried to enlist in the Army but didn't meet the physical requirements. He tried his luck with his own business, a janitorial and cleaning service, but that failed within six months. No indication of any lasting romantic relationships. Sounds like he always dreamed of the life our victims' lived and never got there."

“Sounds like someone we should talk to,” Morgan summed up what they were all thinking. “Do you have an address for us, baby girl?”

"Sure do and just sent to your phones together with the information of his car and current job. Schumacher does not have a cellphone in his name since he fell behind on the bills for his last one and got the contract cancelled two months ago, so I can't track him that way. Good luck, and stay safe!"

“Morgan, Rossi and Seaver, check the home, Prentiss and I take the workplace. Reid, ask the Sheriff to put out a BOLO for Schumacher’s car and then see if knowing his home helps with the geographic profile.”

“Hotch, I can come with you and help,” Reid complained with stubbornness in his voice.

"No, Reid, you aren't field ready at the moment." When Spencer started to protest, Aaron didn't let him get a word in. "Your movements are still impaired by the fall you took this morning. It would be irresponsible you take you along for a possible arrest. You can help us more by working on the geographical profile here. We'll need in case he's neither home nor at work. You might want to call Garcia and ask her for his childhood address as well."

Spencer visibly deflated. “Yeah, okay.”

Aaron was glad that he didn’t have to talk around the issue of Reid’s headaches in front of the rest of the team, though that alone would have been enough for him to leave the agent behind.

Schumacher wasn’t at his apartment or his workplace. In fact, his boss told them that the only reason he hadn’t fired the man for being chronically unreliable was that he hadn’t seen him in three days.

“Reid, anything new you can tell us? Our UnSub is in the wind.”

_ "Yes, adding his current and childhood addresses to the data points pulled the pattern together. It significantly narrows down the area he will likely attack again. I've already told the Sheriff where to direct his patrols, and Garcia will text you the coordinates in a moment." _

Aaron felt his phone vibrate with the text message. “Thank you, good work. We’ll join the patrols in that area.”

* * *

 

 

He’d been mentally prepared for a long wait and a hunt involving both their wits and their feet. He got neither as arresting Neil Schumacher turned out rather anti-climatic.

One of the deputies on patrol had spotted him sitting in his car in work overalls, pretending to be on a lunch break, but clearly checking out a house across the street. Aaron had given the order not to approach until the BAU, and more backup had arrived unless the UnSub was approaching the house in question. He'd still been sitting in his car sipping coffee when they got there.

He’d tried to run but had made it all of two car length far before he collided with Morgan’s strategically positioned chest. Schumacher had complained all the way through being handcuffed and taken to the station but had soon given himself away once they had him in interrogation. A search of his apartment had revealed trophies taken from the victims and proof of additional victims he’d been watching. From what they could tell from his ramblings, being rejected by a female coworker he had a crush on had made him snap and take his frustrations and feelings of inferiority out on those that embodied his dreams. They also found a stack of notebooks he had filled with ramblings and fantasies about him truly having the spirit of a tiger and how everyone would recognize that if only he had been born a Spirit Shifter.

It was one of the more frustrating cases to close, knowing that four people had died because one man hadn’t been able to deal with the promises and frustrations of the American dream.

There was nothing left for them to do than pack up and write their reports.

_ “Bad news, my intrepid crime fighters, _ ” Garcia’s voice said from Morgan’s phone.  _ "The jet took the second team down to Louisiana, and they have a thunderstorm with torrential rains. They won't be able to take off until the storm passes which the forecast says will be in the middle of the night." _

"That's unfortunate, but can't be changed. Send them off to bed; they can pick us up tomorrow morning. No point in everyone getting their sleep disrupted," Aaron told her, and the rest of the team nodded. Going home was always preferred, but doing so the next morning was no big deal and certainly not worth the risk of their pilot flying tired in questionable weather conditions.

“Guess we get to check out what this town has to offer for evening entertainment,” Morgan said with a shrug that spoke of little hope. They usually ended up asking the deputies for recommendations for a good restaurant and a bar to go to after dinner. Every now and then, Reid and Rossi could be talked into bowling, the dislike of which saw the two as a rare united front.

They said their goodbyes to Sheriff Meyers and his people with a few deputies asking to join them later. There were always those that were fascinated by the prospect of becoming a federal agent and tried to satisfy their curiosity first hand. Aaron waved the rest on the team on, hanging back with the Sheriff.

“Anything else I can do for you, Agent Hotchner?”

“Yes. You mentioned a public running ground. Is that just for locals or is everybody welcome?”

“I don’t think there are guests from out of town all that often, but it was dedicated to every Shifter who found themselves in this town and needed a safe place to stretch their limbs. You wanna go for a run?”

“I wouldn’t mind it. Shifting as short as I did this morning always makes me a little itchy.”

Meyers nodded in understanding, accepting the extra tidbit of insight into what it meant to be a Shifter, for what it was. "Let me write down the address for you. There's a blackboard at the entrance, where everyone sort of signs in with their form. You don't have to leave your name, though many do. It's mostly so everyone knows what other forms they might come across and what not to hunt. We've all heard the horror stories of Shifters with predators for their Spirit forms eating other Shifters they thought were prey animals." He shuddered, and Aaron could only agree with the sentiment.

"Those stories have become urban legends and are told as cautionary tales, I think, though there is certainly some truth in them as well. Feeding in ones Spirit form is going out of fashion, but there are still those who embrace it. I certainly know the urge to hunt in my form and can't say I haven't killed a few times. But I've never ever felt an urge to feed, and it's not something I want to experiment with." He accepted the note with the address from the Sheriff with thanks.

“Have a good evening and a safe flight home, Agent Hotchner. And thank you and your team again for helping us catch this bastard before he could kill even more innocent people.”

“You’re welcome. And maybe we’ll talk again under more pleasant circumstances. You’ve got my number.”

* * *

 

 

Aaron had excused himself from the beer and darts the rest of them were heading towards after dinner and had taken a car to the running ground at the outskirts of the town instead. According to the board, he had the place to himself, which suited him just fine. He'd just put  _ various large cats _ on the board, to leave all his options open.

The Wechsler ancestor who had set up the ground had undoubtedly been generous, as there was a fairly large wooded area that opened up to grassland further in. At the back of the property was even a small river that widened into a pond. It wouldn't satisfy a Shifter with a dolphin or seal as their form, but every animal that liked a little dip in the pool could certainly enjoy the clear water.

For now, Aaron wanted to run in his primary form as a lioness and let out all the instincts that had been primed all day. He chased a few of the small animals living on the land but didn't pursue them in earnest. Only when his urge to run and hunt had calmed down did he approach the pond. He'd have loved to take a few lazy laps in the water, but not even shifting to his second favourite form of a Sumatran tiger made the frigid water appealing. He merely dipped his front paws in an took several deep gulps to quell his thirst.

Trotting back up to the wooded area, Aaron changed into a black jaguar. He had noticed on his way down that a lot of the trees were ideal for climbing and as he didn’t get enough chances to practise that skill, he wouldn’t pass this one up. He could hear the local fauna scurry away from him but paid them no mind as he slowly made his way back to the gate, climbing up and jumping down trees until all his limbs felt well-exercised and he had regained a surer footing. It was an ability that had proven useful in the field more than once, so worth to keep up with for more than his personal enjoyment.

The moment he shifted back to human as he hit the treeline, his phone beeped with a text message. Unlike his guns that he had secured in the car, he’d kept the phone in his pocket. It was something he had promised Garcia he’d always do, so she’d be able to track him. Nobody had yet figured out how the GPS kept working when the phone wasn’t technically there, but the fact was that it did. Many people in this day and age were loath to call Spirit Shifters magic, but to Aaron, that was the only explanation that made sense with all the facts. How else could Shifters include their clothes, especially natural fibres, from an early age and even learn to keep highly artificial items like phones and guns on their person? Not everyone made the effort, but he had yet to meet a Shifter in law enforcement who hadn’t acquired the ability.

He settled into the car before he pulled it out to read the message and see that it had come from Dave about half an hour ago.

_ Reid was tired, and I wasn't keen on what qualifies as dancing here, so I took us both back to the hotel.  _

He shot back a quick thanks and headed for the hotel himself.

He entered their room quietly so as not to wake Spencer if the younger man had actually managed to go to sleep early and was glad to find him curled up on his side and fast asleep. Deciding on a quick shower, he quietly gathered his things to get ready for bed himself.

When he exited the bathroom, Aaron was shocked that Spencer's bed looked empty. It was only the tiniest movement of the blankets that made him approach slowly. There, nestled into the folds lay a beautiful Siamese cat, snoring ever so lightly.

"Oh, Spencer," he murmured under his breath and knelt down beside the bed to get a closer look. Spencer looked adorable in his shifted form but also truly peaceful for the first time in way too long. Everything Ruiz had said to Reid back in Miami came back to Aaron, and it all started to fit together with Spencer's headaches and tiredness. "Whatever are you doing to yourself?"

Aaron debated for a long moment but couldn't resist the soft-looking fur, so he carefully reached out to pet Spencer's head and shoulders. For a moment he thought Spencer might wake up, but he merely arched into the touch like a very content cat and kept on sleeping, so Aaron kept on stroking him until his own knees started to protest his position.

Laying down in his own bed, he stared at the tips of the dark ears he could barely make out between the blankets in the darkened room. Spencer being a Shifter explained a lot, and yet created even more questions. It certainly changed how Aaron would approach his health issues lately. He could only assume that the younger man wasn’t just keeping his ability a secret, but suppressing it all together, and that required a delicate touch.

Things never got boring with Spencer Reid around.

 

They had been given three days off after the back to back cases, so Aaron took the first day back to spend with Jack and get on top of ordinary things like laundry. He refused to let Jessica take care of that on top of everything she was already doing for him, even though she occasionally offered.

The next day he figured there was no point in putting off the inevitable and texted Spencer.

_ Do you mind if I drop by after lunch? _

_ No, that’s fine. I’ll be home. _

Jack and Henry had been invited for muffin baking with Aunt Penny, so Aaron dropped off his already excited son, not really looking forward to picking him up again with a sugar high hours later.

When he knocked on Spencer’s door, he still wasn’t sure how to approach the conversation. He just hoped he’d find the right words.

“Hi, Hotch, come in,” Spencer greeted him with little enthusiasm. “So, we’re going to have that conversation now, do we?”

“Yes. Though it’s not quite the conversation I think you expect.”

“Are… are you firing me?”

“No! No, that’s not at all what I was implying.” Aaron ran his hand through his hair. “Sorry I made you think that.”

“It’s okay. I’m just worried to disappoint you. And I wasn’t paying attention and almost got run over by a car. Thanks for saving my butt, I don’t think I said that.”

Aaron waved him off. “That was another headache then?”

“More the accumulation of too little sleep making me more prone to get lost in my head. I wouldn’t have driven if I had a headache so bad I couldn’t focus, I promise. I just started thinking about the geographical profile the moment I got out of the car.”

“Okay. Spencer, why… why have you kept it hidden that you are a Shifter?” Aaron just blurted out but regretted it when he saw the panic of a flight or fight response flashing in Spencer’s eyes.

They were just standing there in the middle of Spencer’s living room for minutes before Spencer finally turned around and retreated to the threadbare reading chair he had by the window. He curled up in it with his hands wrapped around his legs and stared out onto the street. Aaron recognised Spencer’s processing habits well enough after years working together, so he just settled down onto the couch and waited for him to be ready to talk.

“How did you find out?”Spencer eventually asked quietly.

"The last night in Mendota Heights, you were already asleep when I came back, but when I came out of the bathroom, your bed looked empty. I was worried until I discovered a much smaller version of you curled up in the blankets."

“What… what form did I shift into?” Aaron wanted to frown at the level of insecurity in Spencer’s voice but carefully kept a neutral expression in both his voice and face. The last thing he wanted to do was put Spencer on the defensive on this matter.

“Siamese cat. A very cute one if I may say so.” He put a bit of teasing in his voice at the end, hoping to put Spencer more at ease. He got a scrunched up nose in response. “Is that your primary Spirit form?” he ventured forward.

"I don't know. I haven't shifted in almost two decades, that I know of, and had mostly stopped even before that. I have no idea if my form ever settled." His voice quivered, and there was an immense tenseness in his shoulders.

"What happened? What made you that afraid of a part of yourself?" That was the point Aaron hadn't been able to work out, and without it, he didn't know how to properly help Spencer.

“It’s only ever been connected to trouble.”

“Care to elaborate on that?”

Spencer took a deep breath and let it out slowly and shuddery. "I was the first Spirit Shifter to be born on either side of the family, so nobody had any experience with it. Mom was proud and excited - mostly. For dad, it was just one more thing that set me apart, made me special. And my father craves nothing more than normalcy, if you wanted to be less nice about it, you could call it mediocrity. You have to wonder how he ever ended up marrying my mother. I've read all her works, and long before the schizophrenia took hold of her, her mind was extraordinary. She never really fit into the kind of life he wanted. Anyway, his disapproval meant that I learned early on not to shift in his presence."

“And your mom?”

“She was very supportive when her head was clear. When it wasn’t, seeing me shifted would trigger her paranoia big time. She had panic attacks about me having been taken and would think whatever animal I had shifted into had been sent by the government to spy on her or attack us. It didn’t help that my forms were all over the place and there wasn’t one she could get used to. I also was too young to always change back quickly to calm her down, especially not when her distraught made me upset as well.”

"I never really thought about what effect a Shifter in the family would have on people with conditions like your mother, but I can understand how that would have created issues," Aaron said compassionately. "As with so many other things, you shouldn't have had to deal with it at such a young age."

“Not being able to help mum was hard enough. Being the reason she got worse was just horrible. Of course, I know now that she would have deteriorated no matter what I did or didn’t do. But at the time it felt very much like she was getting episodes in response to me shifting and my dad did nothing to counter that impression. So I stopped shifting.”

Aaron waited for a moment, but when Spencer didn't continue on his own, he prodded, feeling like he hadn't yet heard the full story. "When's the last time you consciously shifted?"

Spencer snorted without humour. “I’m not even sure I’d call it consciously. It was entirely on instinct and felt out of my control. Which I hated.”

Aaron just waited Spencer out, who was clearly struggling to talk about the event.

“Did Morgan ever share with you what happened to me when I was twelve?”

“No. He’d never break your confidence unless he thought I needed to know something for a specific reason.”

“It came up during the Owen Savage case.” 

Aaron closed his eyes for a moment at having his worries confirmed. He had no illusions about Spencer’s experiences with bullies, not even before that memorable case, but he’d hoped against better judgement that those experiences weren’t tied into such a personal trauma.

"I was lured out to the football field and instead of the prettiest girl in the school, was met with the whole football team and a whole lot of other students. After all the usual teasing and ridicule, one of them grabbed me, and they dragged me towards the goal posts. They started to undress me and tie me to the post. No matter how much I begged, none of them raised even a token protest.

"I was afraid, much more than I was ashamed. I felt utterly helpless, and that snapped over into anger in a flash. I only remember the fury and the wish to lash out and get everyone away from me. My blood was rushing in my ears, and the next moment I was huge, the ropes snapped like flimsy twine, and everyone was screaming. Those closest to me went flying through the air, and everybody else was running, scrambling for cover. I overheard in the days afterwards that I shifted into a fully grown grizzly bear.

"The moment I had some space, I just wanted to get away as fast as I could, so I shifted into some sort of cat, most likely a cheetah. Nobody got a good look as I shifted while already moving and was gone before anyone could get their wits about them. There was a park across from the school, and that's where I went and hid. I wanted a better vantage point because I was afraid somebody might be coming after me, but I guess I didn't feel confident I could climb up into the trees, so I shifted again. I spend enough time in that form to know that I was some kind of owl. I found a secure branch to sit on and kept an eye on the field, where a lot of the bystanders had just fled the scene, while a few others were coming back to help the once I hurt when I first shifted. I could see the blood and the gashes where I caught them. It was the talk of the school for days how a bunch of the football players couldn't play because they had ended up in the emergency room, some even needing stitches."

“Did you get in trouble for that?” Aaron wanted to know.

“No. That’s what made the rumours so juicy. None of them gave any reasonable answer as to how they’d gotten hurt. I can only guess that at least one of them had a few working brain cells and made sure nobody mentioned me. They were all at least 17, some had already turned 18, so if I had been questioned about the incident, it could have turned real ugly real fast for them.”

“Charges for sexual assault of a minor - that certainly is an incentive to not put any blame on you. Though it was no guarantee that you’d keep quiet.”

“No, but I hadn’t spoken up about anything else before, so they could hope.” It didn’t need saying that Spencer would have never risked drawing attention to his mother’s condition by going to the police.

"Anyway, there I was sitting on a branch across the street, watching as they all scurried off, waiting for darkness to fall. I was still scared and hypervigilant, mostly running on instincts I had little hope of controlling. And most of my clothes were strewn about on the field. When it felt finally dark enough, I had gathered the courage to try and fly back over there. I remember being astonished how easy it was and how good it felt. How freeing. I gathered my clothes piece by piece and hid with them in a shaded spot. But I was still such a mess that I had no idea how to shift back. Until then, everything just happened without my doing, and I couldn't find that headspace to turn into myself again. I felt trapped in my Spirit form and started to panic about what mom might think and what me being late might be doing to her. That, of course, wasn't helping at all. I eventually forced myself to recite prime numbers in my head to calm down and eventually shift back. It was close to midnight when I made it home, and mom hadn't even noticed that I hadn't come home because she was having that kind of episode.

“That’s the last time I shifted. I didn’t feel as if it was something I could risk again. Though given what you said earlier, I might have been shifting in my sleep without noticing. Great.”

Aaron let the whole story sink in for a moment. "Spencer, I… I can understand why you are so reluctant to embrace your nature as a Spirit Shifter. You've gone through a lot of hardship at too young an age, and it must have felt like being a Shifter tied into most of it. There were times in the past when I'd rather not been a Shifter myself. But you have to know that it isn't a solution. There are plenty of studies that have shown that we need to shift regularly because suppressing those instincts makes us sick. You probably know the details better than me, and quite frankly, I think it's a miracle you're struggling with this level of headaches only now."

Spencer furrowed his brows. "You think that's the cause behind them? Oh." The realisation hitting home was obvious. "I didn't even tell my doctors about being a Shifter, I've been ignoring it for so long, so they had no reason to look towards it as a possible cause, and they couldn't find anything else that's physically wrong to cause my headaches. How could I have been such an idiot?"

“You ignored something that was related to emotional trauma to manage said trauma - there’s nothing idiotic about it. It might not have served you the best, but it got you pretty far. But I’m afraid we’ll have to find a different approach now,” Aaron suggested gently.

Spencer finally turned back to Aaron, and he looked incredibly lost. "I don't know how. I'm not sure that I can."

“Of course you can. You’ve tackled so much more difficult hurdles throughout the years and been a surprise on every turn. And you’re not alone with this. Not anymore.”

"Do you think shifting in my sleep would be enough? I haven't had even a slight headache since I woke up yesterday, I was wondering why." There was hope in Spencer's voice, and Aaron wasn't sure if it was real or if Spencer was just grasping for straws. Either way, he'd have to disappoint him.

He let out a sigh. “I’m sure shifting at all helped you some, but it won’t be enough for any considerable relief. Shifting is about expressing the characteristics of our Spirit, especially the elements that we don’t normally show the world. Unlike regular humans, keeping those traits and our Spirit suppressed for any length of times makes us physically ill. Shifting in your sleep doesn’t allow for much expression or acting on instinctual needs.”

“I’m useless at this kind of thing. It’ll be like getting my gun qualification all over again. You must grow tired of always helping me with what should be the easy things.”

"We all struggle with different things, and I don't mind helping you at all. And if the results are as spectacular as with our shooting practice, it'll be more than worth the effort," he added in a friendly teasing tone. "I'm your friend, Spencer, and that's what friends do. And you aren't useless. You just let your head get in the way. And I think that is probably why shifting will be good for you."

“I’m not sure I follow.”

“What would you say your contributions to the team are?”

Spencer frowned at the apparent non sequitur but answered as Aaron had expected. “My reading speed, knowledge of a vast variety of details, geographical profiling skills, and general ability to find hidden patterns in large sets of data.”

Aaron nodded. "I would agree with all of that. But beyond that, I'd add your immense compassion and empathy, your tenacity, and your desire to help and for justice. Also, the never-ending wonder and excitement with which you look at the world is a balm and fresh breeze that keeps all of us from going nuts at times. But that isn't how you see or define yourself, you don't embrace it."

“And you think that’s my problem?” Spencer sounded unconvinced.

“I think it’s part of it, yes. How much of your touch phobia did you develop because it freaked your mom out when other people touched you?”

"I… I have no idea. Mom never handled it well, and I've been telling people I don't like to be touched for as long as I can remember. Did I teach myself to dislike touch?"

"Probably, at least to some degree. But you don't actually dislike touch, just that of strangers. If I'm not very much mistaken, a part of you is very tactile." Spencer was about to protest, but Aaron wouldn't let him. "You've grown quite comfortable with the touch of everybody on the team, well minus Seaver, you haven't known her long enough. You clearly love cuddling with Henry and even Jack on the few occasions that he asked you to tell him a story and crawled into your lap. Every time you fall asleep on the jet sitting beside me, you end up snuggled into my side."

“I’m sorry, Hotch, I-”

"Don't be, I quite like it. My point is, you're more of a physical creature than you allow yourself to be. Confession time - when I saw you in your Spirit form, I couldn't resist and stroked your head. I wondered if I'd wake you up, but you just arched into my touch and started to purr. There's something hedonistic about all cats, I should know. I don't believe you've ever explored that about yourself."

“No.” Spencer picked at the seam of his trousers and looked lost in thought. Aaron was happy to let him take his time to absorb all they’d talked about.

“I’m surprised I didn’t wake but also not at all surprised, given how comfortable I’ve always been around you. You make me feel safe. What else do you think lays hidden inside of me?” Spencer eventually asked hesitantly.

"With a mind as brilliant and multi-faceted as yours? Who knows? What I know for sure is that it's all you and you deserve to experience all of it. How much of it you choose to show the world will be up to you."

“So how do we do this? I know you, Hotch, you’ve come here with a plan.”

Aaron chuckled. “I didn’t have as much of a plan this time as you might expect, sorry to disappoint.”

“You’re one of the few people who’s never disappointed me.”

Aaron was pleased to hear that but set it aside. This wasn’t about him. “I have an idea, but I might need some help to sort out the details. Is it okay if I talk to Garcia about your situation? Just the Cliff’s notes, of course.”

Spencer took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Telling somebody else would irrevocably let the genie out of the bottle. “Yeah, okay. I should probably talk to the whole team anyway. Let them know what’s been going on with me lately.”

“That’s up to you, as is the timing. You could wait until after you’ve grown more comfortable with your gift if you’d like.”

“No, I think I’d rather get it out there when we go back to work on Monday. Who knows how long it takes me, and how I’ll fare until then. It’s irresponsible to leave the others in the dark.”

Aaron nodded, somewhat relieved. He hated keeping secrets from the team. “Then that’s what we’ll do.”

Spencer was so lost in thought that Aaron managed to take his leave without revealing what plans he had to help Spencer, which was probably for the best to avoid a tactical retreat on Spencer’s side.

Walking to his car, he shot off a text to Garcia.

_ Could you come into the office early on Monday? I could use your expertise to help out a mutual friend. _

The response came before he started the engine.

_ Of course, mon capitain! Or I could just bring Jack home later and pack my laptop before the curiosity can do me any serious harm. _

Aaron snorted. It should have occurred to him that Penelope wouldn’t want to deal with the anticipation and getting things rolling sooner rather than later suited him.

_ I’ll cook dinner. _

He mentally went over the contents of his fridge and freezer to decide what vegetarian dish he could put together that Jack would eat as well. A quick stop at the grocery store he passed by on his way would do to get what little was missing.

* * *

 

 

Garcia lasted all the way through dinner as Jack chattered away about the fun afternoon they’d had and other things that had happened over the last week that he had forgotten to tell either of them about up until then.

Only once the table was cleared, and Aaron had sent Jack to his room to play a little by himself before bedtime, did she finally break.

“Okay, what’s up? I’m dying over here, because for you to ask for help with something personal it’s gotta be huge!”

"First, this stays between us for now. He'll likely tell everyone on Monday, but whether or not he does, it has to come from him." Garcia nodded eagerly and made get on with it motions with her hands, so he continued. "Reid is a Spirit Shifter."

For a moment, Garcia just blinked at him with her mouth hanging open. “Are you serious? Of course, you’re serious, you always are. You’re so serious they could cast you in Gary Oldman’s place in the Harry Potter movies.”

“Garcia, focus, please.”

“Right. Reid is a Shifter. Why didn’t we know this?”

“Because he’s almost completely suppressed it for most of his life.” He continued to fill her in on Reid’s recent health issues and the likely connection but left out all the specifics about the horrible memories Spencer had attached to his ability. Generalities would have to do on that front.

“My poor baby G-man, making himself sick like that. I can’t imagine not allowing my Spirit out for any stretch of time. I’d go completely nuts!”

Aaron smiled at the thought. If pressed to guess what Garcia's Spirit form was, most people said a peacock and were completely surprised by how far off the mark they were to her actual form of a stoat. Aaron had always thought it suited his fierce and determined analyst rather well.

"What's his Spirit, and how did you find out?"

"He shifted in his sleep during our last case, and we were sharing the room. The form I saw was that of a Siamese cat."

“Awww, I bet he’s adorable! Do you think he has more than one form?”

"I think it's entirely likely. There's no aspect of Reid's personality I can think of that isn't multi-faceted and layered, so why would his Spirit manifestation be the exemption? He just doesn't know how to embrace it."

“This just won’t do!” she exclaimed. “What’s the plan and how can I help?”

“I was hoping you’d say something like that. I’m thinking of taking him to one of those Shifter retreat centres to give him an environment where he will hopefully feel safe to explore his ability. Personnel trained to support Shifters with problems would also be a good idea as I’m not sure my individual experience is necessarily sufficient to support him in this.”

“Oh, that is a good idea. And there’s the four day weekend coming up two weeks from now to give you time to really enjoy that.”

“I’ve never really looked into them much as I’m quite happy with the spaces available locally and was hoping you could find us the best option. Also… would you like to come as well?” That part he wasn’t sure about, more so for Garcia’s sake than Spencer’s.

“Really?! You’d want me to come with you guys?”

“Yes. For multiple reasons. Your form is very different, so you can offer Reid another experience to mine. For all that I have multiple forms, they are all large, mostly even apex predators. And knowing Reid, he’ll do better hearing impressions from people he knows and trusts before anything the people at the retreat centre might have to offer can truly penetrate on more than an intellectual level. There’s also the question of how taking such a trip as just the two of us might be seen. I’m not sure Reid would deal well with the possible implications.”

“What? The implication that you are taking him on a romantic getaway?” Garcia’s smile was full of mirth. “I don’t think his brilliant mind has gone to that possibility at all, and he’d be a stammering mess if somebody implied such a thing. Not that you’d mind.” She raised a challenging eyebrow at him that he tried to quell with a raised eyebrow, but that had clearly lost all its effect on her as she just laughed. “But I agree with you on the trip likely having a more relaxed atmosphere if it wasn’t just the two of you. Do you want to bring Jack as well?”

“I hadn’t planned on it. Do you think it would be a good idea?”

“Yeah. Jack would be all excited and curious about everything and just drag us adults along. If it’s just us going with Reid, he’d feel self-conscious about needing help. If he can simply explore alongside Jack, it would distract him a great deal from that awkwardness.”

"I knew it was a good idea to ask you for help with this." Aaron smiled at Garcia, and she practically preened at the praise. "So, where do we go?"

"Spirit Habitat has opened a new location in Virginia last year, and they have a deal with the government to support Shifters in federal employ. They should have spaces available on short notice, and we'd get a discount. They offer a great variety of habitats to suit all manner of forms. This new location even has an indoor snow and ice world for arctic animal forms. They offer the whole range of spa services to help you relax and recharge, meditation groups, shifting counsellors… pretty much the full package. Since they merged with the Carmichael Institute, all their locations include a department certified for medical and psychological rehabilitation after injuries, burnout, trauma… you name it. That's why the government approached them for a contract to provide services for their employees. The military did the same. And the pictures of the new centre look absolutely gorgeous!" She'd pulled out her laptop and started typing on it as she was speaking. Now she turned it around to show him a webpage, and from what he saw, he couldn't disagree.

“Sounds like you’ve been reading up on this for a while.”

"Yeah, I was thinking about going there for our next annual leave. Get me outside and away from the screens a bit more and all that." She shrugged her shoulders sheepishly.

"It looks good to me, and I trust your judgement, that's why I asked for your help. Do you want to book for us or should I take care of it?"

“I can call them tomorrow and see if they have rooms for us. The booking hotline is already closed for today. Your job will be to make sure Strauss keeps the team out of rotation. Are you and Jack okay to share a room?”

“Yes, as long as we have separate beds. Jack sleeps like a starfish entirely without shifting.”

 

Spencer had told the team on Monday, and the others had reacted with surprise and worry but had settled down somewhat when Reid had also admitted to Aaron helping him to get a handle on his nature, now that he could no longer ignore it. Aaron knew for sure that Morgan had prodded Spencer out for lunch to have a private conversation, but as Spencer looked more slightly more relaxed afterwards, he didn't see any need to intervene.

He’d made his temporary rule about Reid staying as much as possible at whatever station or office they were working out of official, so they didn’t have to try and keep that secret.

Strauss had been less of an issue than expected, once Aaron had explained the gist of Reid’s situation and problem. She didn’t want the problem to linger and interfere with their work long term so she was happy to ensure they’d have the long weekend off in the hopes that they could fix everything in that time. Aaron had promised no such thing but had long ago learned that letting her draw conclusion that suited her wishes sometimes worked in his favour, so he hadn’t corrected her either.

And now they were in his car on their way to a four-day stay at Spirit Habitat.

Jack had finally dozed off in the backseat after spending the first hour and a half of the trip as an excited ball of energy. Garcia was behind Aaron with some sort of crochet or knitting project to occupy the time, and Spencer was sitting beside him, having given up on reading and getting more and more fidgety the closer they came to their destination.

“What has you so nervous?” Aaron asked softly, startling Spencer all the same.

"I don't know. I'm not sure this will help. What if I can't get a handle on this? You're making all this effort, and I don't want to disappoint you."

"You won't because there are no expectations to disappoint," Aaron tried to reassure him.

“Hotch is right,” Garcia piped in from behind. “We’re doing this to help you heal. And also to shamelessly pamper ourselves. That’s at least my plan. Nobody expects this to be a quick fix. But it’ll hopefully be a beginning for you to grow more comfortable with your Spirit form or forms, nothing more. Stop thinking of this as a task you have to fulfil and look at it as a short vacation to enjoy. And who knows what’ll happen.” She squeezed Spencer’s arm for a moment and went back to her yarn.

Aaron glanced over to Spencer for a moment and found him less tense. “You’ve been better the last two weeks.”

"Yeah, I… I think I've shifted most nights. I even woke up as a cat a few mornings. The first time, it freaked me out and took me way too long to shift back. But it got a little better afterwards. I'm glad I was at least somewhat prepared thanks to you, or it would have been much worse. I even tried finding the right headspace to shift on purpose the last few evenings, but that's not working at all."

"Don't be too hard on yourself. Small steps will get you there just fine. There's no need to rush. I'm proud of you for trying, I know that it's a big step for you."

He could see a blush creep up Spencer’s cheeks and let the topic go, as the GPS was telling him to leave the highway, so they were close to their destination anyway.

They checked in and settled their bags into their rooms and found them situated all beside one another on the ground floor, with patios overlooking one of the wooded areas on the compound. It was still a bit early in the year to really make use of them, even though the temperatures had been unusually mild for March the last week. Aaron was happy that Garcia had been able to get him a small suite with a separate bedroom for Jack, so he wouldn't wake his son up just by having a light on to read in the evening.

They'd arrived early enough to go on a little walk to explore before lunch, and it became apparent very quickly that the receptionist hadn't been kidding when she'd told them that guests were welcome to shift at all times and places, except for the restaurants and cafés. They'd barely left their building when a camel passed them by at a measured space and greeted them with a respectful nod. Around the corner, they found a fox playing with a half-grown wolf.

"Dad, can I shift and go play as well?" Jack asked, excitedly.

“Yes, but stay close.” He’d barely finished when Jack turned into a labrador puppy and ran onto the lawn, yapping at the fox and wolf who greeted him kindly. The adults settled onto a bench in the sun and watched the three Shifters play for a few minutes. “Come on, Jack!” Aaron called and got up. “You can play more with your new friends later. We want to look around more.” Jack did come over dutifully but stayed in his Spirit form and ran ahead of them, sniffing all over the floor for scents of other Shifter’s forms he’d likely never come across before.

They made small talk as they explored the central area, but Aaron also noticed how Spencer kept watching Jack revelling in his form. Garcia was probably right about the positive influence Jack could have on Spencer without even trying.

After lunch, they went their separate ways for a couple hours, as Spencer had asked to speak to one of their counsellors and one had been available that afternoon. It had surprised Aaron that Reid was seeking out help like that on his own accord, but was happy about it. Not only would it provide Spencer with some insights from a specialist, but Aaron also hoped that talking to an outsider he had no worries to disappoint would help him open up more.

Garcia was happy to take the chance and get a full facial. She’d already announced that they were all booked for mani/pedi and massages over the next two days and that they would all come along and do their best to enjoy it, so Aaron was just happy she would get the facial treatment on her own.

Instead, he took Jack into the small forest and fulfilled his promise to teach him how to climb trees in cat form. He was making progress though was still taking the occasional tumble to the ground, so Aaron made sure they stuck to smaller trees. Still, at one point, Jack climbed higher up than he was supposed to while Aaron had been looking who else had just entered the area. A rather pitiful sound drew his gaze upwards, and he sighed internally upon finding Jack perched on a branch he had clearly no idea how to get down from. Aaron made it up there with a few sure leaps and carefully gripped Jack by the scruff of his neck to carry him down to earth. Back on the ground, he shifted back and waited for Jack to do the same.

“I hope you learned a lesson from that little stunt.”

“Yes, Dad. I’m sorry. I didn’t notice how high up I was.”

“It’s okay, buddy. Just be more careful in the future and don’t try anything like this while you’re on your own.”

“I promise.”

Aaron looked at his watch and noticed that the other two should be done with their appointments soon. “How about a little snack after all this exercise?”

"Can I have apple pie?" Jack asked with excitement as they had walked by a café with delicious looking pies earlier.

“Yes, we can go get some pie,” he answered with a smile. He texted Reid and Garcia where they were headed.

They all arrived within minutes of each other and ordered their beverages and pie of choice. Garcia looked refreshed and provided an excellent audience for Jack’s retelling of his latest adventure, while Reid was quiet and looked deep in thought.

“Everything alright, Spencer?”

"Yeah, just a lot to think about. The counsellor suggested I join the meditation group later to settle myself more. I… would you come with me?"

“Sure, if Garcia doesn’t mind watching Jack.”

“Oh, I’m sure Master Jack and I can find something fun to do. How about we scout out the underground labyrinth they have here? The program says there will be a treasure hunt in there on Sunday morning and we’ll have better chances if we’re already familiar with the territory.”

"That sounds fun!" Jack agreed and immediately began to discuss with Garcia, which form he should take for the endeavour.

Aaron was looking forward to the meditation class. He meditated at home whenever he felt like it but hadn't done it in a group for a long time. The closest he came these days was instructing Jack in the basics to help him gain control of his shifts. Spencer, on the other hand, seemed unsure about the whole idea.

“I’ve never understood how people could make themselves think of nothing,” he eventually blurted out as they approached the room.

“I don’t know what meditation is like to non-Shifters, but I always thought of it more as listening for my inner voice, even if that isn’t actually forming words, focusing on it to find all the nuances. It can be a way to figure out what your instincts are telling you that you need and finding the way best suited to accomplish that. Try thinking of it as mentally giving your instincts the shape you can then shift into. Meditation is used mostly to help you make conscious choices about the shifts and stay in control of them, rather than finding yourself at the mercy of them happening reflexively.”

“What if I can’t control it and shift in the middle of the class?”

"Don't worry about it and just let it happen. You wouldn't be the first one that happened to, and it's truly not a bad thing if you connect to your Spirit so strongly. Controlling it is often a challenge and not even always helpful. Exploring the feeling is just how we make sure we don't end up at the mercy of our Spirit and instincts. It's not about keeping it contained. I know that's been your main approach for decades, so it'll take a while to get out of the habit, but keep in mind that as a community, we value the expression of our Spirits and containing and suppressing it is never the goal for anything you'll come across here."

Spencer nodded and took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s try this.”

The group wasn't large, and they were instructed to spread out with plenty of space between them, so if anyone shifted, they wouldn't bother each other. Even with his eyes closed, Aaron could feel Spencer fidget beside him for the first minutes but judging by the noises of movement, he wasn't the only one. Many Shifters stopped meditating some time during puberty once their form settled and they felt they had good control of their abilities. Aaron settled in easily after adjusting to somebody else's lead and rather enjoyed the experience.

The longer the session lasted, the more he lost his feeling for time as his attention turned inwards, and he no longer noticed the people around him. He could feel three gentle waves of energy that spoke of people shifting in close proximity but got drowned out in most everyday settings. It meant that when the instructor told them to come out of the meditation and open their eyes again, he wasn't overly surprised to find other people in the room had shifted during the meditation. Admittedly, seeing a huge bison at the front of the room was not an everyday encounter, but that was the reality of Spirit Shifters.

Before he could look around more to see who else had shifted, he heard a squeaking meow from his right and in the blink of an eye had a Siamese cat hiding in the cradle of his legs. He started stroking the shaking form without thought.

“Well, hello there. Congratulations on shifting while awake Spencer.” He glanced over his shoulder to find the man behind Spencer had shifted into one of the largest wolves Aaron had ever seen. He wasn’t doing anything threatening, quite the opposite, he had lain down and quirked his head to the side as if to ask if everything was alright. 

“Got startled by the big, not so bad wolf, Spencer? You’re the wrong colouring to play little red riding hood.” Spencer hissed at him in indignation but still stretched into the hand petting him. “Now that sounds more like you.”

He turned to the wolf next. “It’s alright, he just hasn’t had much experience around other Shifters in his own form. I think the difference in size made him a bit more uncomfortable about your proximity than it normally would.”

The wolf inclined his head in understanding and got up to trot out of the room, apparently content to stay in his form. The bison had shifted back to a positively tiny woman in her early sixties who was now chatting with their instructor as the rest of the people left the room.

Aaron was glad to feel and see Spencer calming down under his hand and was happy to stay as they were for as long as the younger man needed. Eventually, their instructor came over to check up on them.

“Everything alright here? My colleague told me the essentials of your situation. Do you need me to talk you through shifting back?” she asked Spencer, who shook his head no.

“He’s shifted a few times in his sleep lately and managed to shift back on his own once awake, so I’m sure it’ll be fine. He was just a little startled when he became aware of his surroundings again and needs to calm from that,” Aaron explained.

“Yeah, waking up shifted in familiar surroundings is quite different than doing so in a strange environment. And that truly has to be the largest wolf Shifter I have ever seen. It’s rather impressive and intimidating. It’s a good thing you have familiar company to help settle you down.” She smiled reassuringly at Spencer and got up from her crouch. “Feel free to stay here. This room won’t be needed for anything until after dinner.”

Aaron thanked her and turned his attention back to Spencer. “You just wanna get cuddles or do you want to take the chance to stretch your legs a little?”

Spencer turned his head in contemplation and then carefully climbed out of the shelter of Aaron’s legs. He indulged in a very cat-typical full body stretch and then went exploring the room with more grace than Aaron had expected. Moving on four legs had its own learning curve for most people, so he wondered how long Spencer had stayed in his form when he woke up in it at home.

Aaron decided to join him and shifted into a lynx, which was the smallest form he had ever managed. His Spirit just wasn't subtle. They ended up venturing beyond the meditation room, and Aaron was happy to see Spencer getting more comfortable in what was very likely his primary form. He caught sight of a clock on a building and shifted back.

"We have about 15 minutes before we're set to meet Garcia and Jack for dinner," he said, trying not to phrase it with any urgency, so as not to hurry Spencer.

Spencer hopped up on a bench at the side of the path they were on, obviously unwilling to shift back to human while sitting on the ground. He closed his eyes and breathed evenly before the air shimmered around him, and he shifted back to human.

“That was good!” Aaron praised, honestly impressed with how much control Spencer already had developed.

“It was also a little odd. But yeah, overall, this was a good experience. Thanks. And sorry I freaked out and came hiding in your lap.” Spencer blushed a little ashamed.

"Don't worry about it. I never mind being your safe space, and it wasn't an unreasonable reaction at all," Aaron reassured him. "Come on. I'm hungry," he turned towards the restaurant they had agreed to meet at earlier to make Spencer feel less on the spot.

* * *

 

 

Spencer was still quiet and contemplative the next day and joined another meditation class, this time on his own.

Jack dragged Aaron off to explore the snow and ice habitat as that was something he didn't get much chance to experience. Aaron wasn't particularly fond of the cold, but he knew from experience that if he shifted in low temperatures, those of his forms that had proper winter coats would automatically manifest with it, so it was bearable. And Jack was absolutely adorable tumbling through the snow as a polar bear cub. What he didn't seem overly happy with was his clumsy swimming style. He ended up snuggled into Aaron's side for a while, staring at the water. Aaron had seen that habit before and knew that it usually meant Jack was trying to find a new form that would suit his needs. His son had been eerily purposeful about his forms from an early age, and Aaron hoped for Jack's sake that he would keep multiple forms into adulthood. There would be a fair amount of heartbreak if he lost that flexibility.

It didn't take long, and he no longer felt thick fur against side but sleek feathers. Penguin Jack hopped up and down and chattered excitedly before diving head first into the cold water. Aaron was content to watch him glide through the gentle waves the generator produced. When Jack splashed him with water on purpose, he growled at him but got distracted by laughter.

He shifted back and joined Spencer on the stone bench placed on the water’s edge to watch more of Jack’s antics.

“What brings the desert boy into the snow?”

“Did you know that Antarctica is actually considered a desert because it has so little precipitation and no vegetation to speak of? Snowstorms there mostly just blow about what snow is already there, rather than bring down new water in any form.”

"I did know that, and you're stalling. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"One thing the counsellor suggested was to spend time in the different habitats and see what forms called to me depending on my surroundings. I haven't shifted into anything but the cat you already know, but I don't feel like I'm limited to it. I can't really explain how I know."

"I understand but have no proper words to describe it either. Even as a kid, I was most comfortable in feline form. Mammals were generally fine, but I was always awkward and uncomfortable shifting into birds or reptiles. It just never seemed to suit me. After puberty, it was still fairly easy for me to shift into most of the large cats in all their varieties up to and including a liger, but the lynx you saw yesterday is the smallest I can manage these days. I just know that I can't find a smaller expression for my Spirit. We all run on instincts and our guts when it comes to shifting."

"I'm not sure there's any form that feels truly foreign to me. I'm waiting for my mind to recoil from something, but it isn't happening. Does that mean I'll be able to shift into anything I want?"

"Could be. It's rare in an adult, but you wouldn't be the first, and you are almost the ideal case for it to occur. You'll likely find a few forms will come to you more easily and will feel more comfortable than others. Just take it for what it is. You don't owe anyone to fit into any pattern at all. I'll leave you to the exploration of your inner Spirit and see about getting Jack out of the water and dried up some. Do you want company for your habitat exploration later? We haven't seen a lot of them yet."

“Yes, I think I’d like that,” Spencer said with a shy smile and burrowed deeper into his coat.

* * *

 

 

The afternoon started with the mani/pedi Garcia had booked for them, and Aaron could tell that Spencer didn’t really enjoy having someone fiddle with his hands and even less so his feet, but he was a good sport about enduring it to make Garcia happy.

Jack was delighted to be included in such a grown-up activity and got his toenails painted in all colours of the rainbow, which amused them all.

Exploring the various habitats together afterwards was pure fun.

Aaron and Garcia took turns walking with Spencer, even though he was mostly lost in his own thoughts. Jack was working his ways through so many different forms to match their environments, that Aaron wouldn't be at all surprised if he fell asleep at the dining table. He let Jack goad him into shifting into various forms himself and knew he'd have no trouble sleeping that night. Shifting that much was its own brand of exhausting, but it was even more satisfying.

He did end up carrying Jack to bed after dinner, with the boy still murmuring about how different everything had looked and felt and smelled depending on the form he took.

Once Jack was tucked in he was tempted to just go to bed as well but decided to enjoy the nice night outside a little more. They were far enough away from any major city that the stars really showed, and he didn't get to enjoy that nearly often enough. With his coat and a blanket, the air was just mild enough to enjoy stargazing on the sun lounger.

It wasn't long before there was movement at the partition that separated his patio from Spencer's and the now familiar siamese version of his friend came out of his hideout under the bushes.

“Hey there. Didn’t feel like being alone?”

Watching a cat shrug was odd even though Aaron knew he’d done it himself plenty of time.

"You must be cold down there on the ground." Aaron scooted over a little on the chair and pulled the blanket up. Spencer hesitated only for a moment before he deftly jumped up and curled up against Aaron's leg. Aaron merely hesitated a moment before he started scratching behind Spencer's ears and was rewarded with intense purring. "Nobody would believe how much of a snuggler you can be," he teased but left it at that, more than happy that Spencer felt so comfortable with him and sought him out.

He woke up with a cold nose and a soft paw carefully pushing against his cheek.

"What? Did I fall asleep?" He yawned and stretched as much as he could without dislodging Spencer. "Thanks for waking me up. I guess we should both go to bed." Spencer stroked along Aaron's hand one more time before jumping down to the ground. With one last look over his shoulder to check that Aaron was getting up and not falling back asleep in the cold, he dashed around the partition and to his own room.

When Aaron was curled up under his own warm blankets, a stray thought hit him like they could only do right before falling asleep. What if Spencer wasn’t just starved for touch, but had also been holding back affection that he was now finding ways to express?

* * *

 

 

The next morning saw Garcia and Jack off on their tunnel treasure hunt while Aaron and Spencer caught another meditation class, this time without shock moments. Aaron had to admit that while they had arranged this for Spencer’s benefit, it was doing him a world of good as well, and he should probably do things like this more often.

Afterwards, the adults went to enjoy their massages that Garcia had arranged during a time when the centre ran a special program for children, that Jack was looking forward to. At least Aaron hoped that Spencer could enjoy the massage as well. He did look much more relaxed afterwards when they met for lunch, so this seemed to have been more of a success than the mani/pedi of the day before.

“What do you all want to do for the afternoon?” Garcia asked over dessert.

“Can we go swimming in the nature pool?” Jack asked hopefully.

“That’s the one that’s warm enough for humans to enjoy, right?” she asked. “Because this lady’s spirit is not getting wet for love or money.”

“Yes, aunt Penny, that’s the warm one,” Jack snickered. “They just made it all pretty with stones and plants.”

“Then I’m in,” she agreed.

Aaron waited for Spencer to voice his preferences because he didn’t want to pressure him.

“I wouldn’t mind a dip in the pool, actually,” Spencer said with a bright smile to match Jack’s.

“I’m always up for a swim,” Aaron said. “Sounds like we have a plan.”

It was almost a waste of time for Jack to put on swimming trunks as he shifted into an otter long before he reached the pool’s edge. It was his favourite form and had been for years, so Aaron had a feeling it might turn out to be his primary one. When Jack had been around three, it had been a pain to bathe him, not like with other children because he disliked taking a bath, but because he would shift into an otter as soon as he touched the water and would swim around so fast it was impossible to get a hold of him. He still took that form at the end of every bath he took, which was one of the reasons Aaron had bought the house with the ridiculously large tub.

Spirit Habitat was famous for perfecting natural filtration systems and Aaron understood why people loved that so much as soon as he got into the water. It was crystal clear and refreshing in a way only chlorine free water could be.

Jack was swimming circles around all of them, much to Garcia's amusement. Aaron swam a few moderately fast laps while Jack was otherwise occupied before he joined the others where they were playing at the bottom of a small waterfall.

Jack was teasing Spencer persistently, and Aaron was about to tell him to let off when all of a sudden, Spencer's wet locks vanished and in his place was a second otter. It took Spencer only a few seconds to get his bearings before he was off chasing after the much smaller Jack. Garcia was clapping in excitement and screeched in surprise when the two flitted around her legs.

When Aaron looked over to her, she just mouthed  _ Told you so _ at him, and he mimicked pulling his hat with a bow. He then shifted into a Sumatran tiger and lazily drifted through the pool, playfully swatting at Jack and Spencer when they got close to him. 

Eventually, Jack ended their game of underwater tag by climbing on Aaron’s head to rest. Spencer turned on his back and let the whirlpool in one corner of the pool let him carry around for a while. It was an idyllic picture Aaron could get used to.

"I'm all pruney and ready to feel dry again, my dashing sailors," Garcia called after a while. "I'm getting out and heading back to my room. Anyone wanna come along?"

Jack slid off Aaron’s head and shifted back. “Yeah, me! I wanna go read my book for a bit. Can I, dad?”

Unwilling to shift back, Aaron just chuffed at him and got a kiss on the nose before Jack joined Garcia as they headed for the changing rooms.

When Aaron turned around to look for Spencer, he didn’t find an otter, but another tiger swimming towards him. He raised a questioning eyebrow at him and only got an abrupt shake of the head in answer. Spencer continued straight onwards to the edge of the pool and climbed up the large, natural stone steps. There was an alcove meant for shaking water out of fur close by and Spencer headed straight for it.

His first two attempts had him almost topple over, and Aaron was glad amusement was easier to hide on a tiger's face, but on his third try Spencer had figured out how to brace himself for maximum effect and came out of the alcove with especially fluffy looking fur. He dropped down by the edge of the pool and contently watched Aaron as he swam another lap, dove through most of the pool and then followed Spencer's example.

Once Aaron was resting beside Spencer, he slumped against Aaron and let out a content chuff. They just lay there side by side, dozing with their front paws in the water until Aaron’s stomach growled. 

Spencer sat up in a hurry and shifted back to human. “I’m so sorry I kept you so long! I didn’t even pay attention to how late it was.”

Aaron followed him his example with a small sigh. He'd been rather enjoying himself. "It's fine, Spencer, I didn't notice the time either. But now that my stomach has so rudely interrupted us, I sure could eat." Spencer's stomach chose that moment to make himself be heard as well, and it made them both laugh. "Come on. Let's see if Jack has talked Garcia into something ridiculous for dinner already or if we can all eat together."

* * *

 

 

They packed up the car the next day a little reluctantly, all of them having thoroughly enjoyed their stay.

Jack spent the morning playing with a few other kids he’d met on Sunday and Garcia had volunteered to watch him while working on her crochet in the sun.

Spencer had wanted to go for another walk through the habitats and Aaron used the time to run in a few of his forms. He caught sight of Spencer while he was in the jungle habitat and was surprised to see Spencer shift first into an Orangutan and climb high up into the trees before he shifted into a snake. Back on the ground, Spencer regained his feet and took a deep breath. Aaron could only guess that he was trying out some of the forms that had called to him when he had done his first walk through all the habitats.

Despite Spencer clearly wanting to feel like he was on display in this experiment, Aaron was too tempted by his own curiosity and followed him over to the free grassland that stretched out over multiple acres. Aaron had to stick to the shadows the trees along the edges provided to watch without being discovered as Spencer shifted into a beagle, then into a horse galloping up the whole length of the area, and then finally a giraffe coming back down to the gates.

It was already nearing the time they had planned for their departure, but Spencer headed over to the outdoor forest next to the grassland and Aaron followed yet again.

Spencer started out as a cougar, weaving his way through the trees and deftly jumping up onto small rock formations that had been built into the forest. On top of one of those, he suddenly shifted into a squirrel and climbed up a tree at breathtaking speed. He didn’t make any big jumps from tree to tree or Aaron might have gotten a heart attack. He had a difficult time keeping up with Spencer as it was.

Spencer came down to the ground again at the edge of a clearing and after a careful look around, shifted again, this time into a grizzly bear. It was a magnificent sight, and it almost took Aaron's breath away when he got up on his hind legs and roared. It wasn't entirely unexpected, of course, after what Spencer had told him about his previous experience. But seeing him shifted into this form and embracing all its strength was something else entirely.

Suddenly feeling like he was entirely surplus to the moment, Aaron retreated into the undergrowth and wove his way back towards the gate, where he settled down for a moment to gather his thoughts before shifting back.

An owl landed in front of him on the fence and mustered him for a few seconds before shifting into Spencer.

“You didn’t have to leave. I knew you were there the whole time and didn’t mind your presence, you know.”

“I didn’t mean to spy on you but watching you like this is… mesmerizing. I knew that you could embrace all that you are and seeing it is beautiful.”

"I'm not over my hang-ups. I kinda forced myself to shift into multiple forms today, to get a better feeling for a variety of them in a safe environment. Safe for me and for others. I'm not sure how comfortable I am shifting out there."

“And if you don’t ever shift anywhere but your apartment or my backyard if you need more room, I don’t care. This is for you. You don’t have to make it work for any specific purpose or our job.”

Spencer nodded in acceptance and then turned to open the gate. “Come on. we don’t want to catch the worst of the traffic.”

At the car, Spencer let Garcia take the front passenger seat and curled up in the back seat instead. He was drifting off before they came close to the highway. “Thank you guys, for doing this for me. I can’t tell you how much this means,” he murmured right before he fell asleep.

Garcia gave Aaron a questioning look at how conked out Spencer was, but he just shook his head with a wry smile.

 

One month later and Spencer still kept his Spirit forms mostly private. He'd shown the team the Siamese cat and told them what they might face in extreme situations, but that was it. He'd come to Aaron's place on the weekends a few times to shift more freely in the backyard, and Jack had turned it into a set shifting, pizza and movie date. Aaron was fully onboard with having Spencer over more so had conveniently forgotten to tell Spencer that Jack would spend last Saturday with Jessica. Pizza tasted even better without Disney and no Jack between them.

Another routine that had crept in and that Aaron liked almost more happened at the office, whenever he and Spencer were the last to still be busy with paperwork. Aaron knew Spencer was done when he slunk into Aaron’s office in his cat form and rubbed against his leg until Aaron scooted his chair back enough for Spencer to jump into his lap.

Tonight was such an evening again, and when Spencer had made his customary three turns on Aaron's leg and curled up to his preference, Aaron dutifully started to pet him. But instead of scooting forward and resuming his own paperwork, he kept looking down at Spencer until he cracked one eye open at him again.

“You know, one of these days we have to talk about why you only ever come to me to get your cuddles. Not that I’m complaining. You can crawl into my lap all you want.”

Spencer twitched his ears and curled in even tighter, but the delighted purr that followed Aaron's words made him return to his files with an even better mood and full of hope.

THE END

  
  



End file.
